You can see here that we set up my smaller flat screen in this room, which is actually the perfect size for the space. He has his trusty reclining leather sofa with console. On the right, you can see a weight bench I bought him for his birthday this year and he has a set of adjustable free weights that lie outside of the picture.
He has a retro mini frig with freezer next to the couch, a birthday present from his mom this year. Then, as you see, there are lots of unsightly boxes waiting to be dealt with as soon as I can get to them. The closet you see in the first picture contains some more boxes of Matt's CDs and DVDs. He has TONS of CDs. He also has his golf bag, guitar, and a few other things stored in the closet.
My plan for this room is mainly to get it organized. We need to buy something to display his CDs and DVDs. I need to sort through the rest of his boxes to see if any of it needs to be set out for easy access. He has a lot of binders and files from his days pursuing his Master's degree. Most of that, I'm sure we can store in the basement, but I haven't asked him yet.
Otherwise, we need to choose and purchase a light fixture to install overhead. I need to hang some pictures and I'd like to paint this room for more depth. It seems pretty simple as it is, but I've struggled to decide on a color. Other rooms need to be painted first, so I'm in no rush.
Matt spends most of his alone time in this room having his quiet time, working on Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) homework, or lifting weights. From time to time, he also uses the home office to complete online training, go through his work emails, finish writing capital project proposals, etc. Even still, most of his time at home is spent with me :)
There are even times we'll both work quietly on things in the main room. Both working on BSF homework or him doing some work, while I email a friend or blog. That is to say, Matt loves having his own space in this house, but he doesn't disappear into it for hours at a time on a regular basis.
Not long ago, I read an article a friend linked in on Facebook. It was about this modern concept of having a man-cave. She was in complete disagreement with having one in the home. To her, it communicates that the man-cave is the one space in the house that is the husband's, but the rest belongs to the wife. She suggested it would relegate the husband to spending all of his time in that one room and the wife and kids would have run of the rest of the house. Well, to be clear, that's not how we use it.
I agree that a man-cave could provide a husband and father an easy (possibly too easy) local for escape from family or family matters. That's not a good thing for sure, but if a man wants to escape his family or family problems, he will.
My suspicion is that this modern convention of a man-cave was dreamed up by a woman who wanted her husband to escape at home rather than at the local bar. Give him his own space and then maybe he'll choose to come home. At least he'll be nearby if I need him.
When I read in some premarital counseling books that men, due to the way God created them, are prone to feel less capable of handling family matters than they feel with work matters, I took note. One of the best weapons in the fight to keep our marriages strong is awareness.
Knowing that harmony in the family and peace in the home are extremely important to our men, we need to be very guarded with how we welcome them home, what they initially experience in those first few moments, how we communicate with our husbands and allow our children to communicate with him. We need to think about how we may feel after a hard and tiring day at work if we were to enter that family scene, whatever is typical of our family, and how we'd feel in response to it. We should do whatever we can to give our husbands an experience that draws him home, that leads him to want to be there.
The other morning, as I was hugging Matt goodbye before work, I told him I loved having him home, would miss him, and asked him to come back home to me. Not an unusual thing for me. He gave me a long hug and replied, "Of course, this is my refuge," and added in good humor, "but we'll have to name it something else because Dawn and Chris already have that one." :)
I relate that to you, not because I have this thing down, goodness, almost all of you have been married far longer than we have. It's because we are working on it now while it's just the two of us and I hope to keep this in mind when we have children. Children are game changers. It will become so much more difficult to keep my perspective sharp once there are little ones constantly distracting me.
In the meantime, Matt is choosing on a regular basis to spend time with me in the evening and he makes sacrifices to do it at times. We like a few of the same shows, very few, but mostly I go for family drama (of the Parenthood variety) and he goes for comedy. When he's in the room, he controls the remote (I told him that from the beginning). With time, he began to change the channel to a show he thought I'd enjoy. It worked well because he didn't hate it, but I liked it. Occasionally now, he'll even turn on something he doesn't like and he'll disappear into Facebook and then go take a shower. lol
Many couples in the same situation would end up in different rooms watching whatever they want to watch. That may end up happening with us over time, but I hope not. We've also discussed having no-t.v. nights. We're not particularly ambitious, so maybe one night a week we'll try that out.
As it is, I'm glad Matt has a designated place for his quiet time, to lift weights, and even to get a little time alone when he needs it. During this season, his only times alone are in the car and in the shower otherwise. Once there are little ones, I fear he won't even have that...
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