For much of my life, I didn't know how to discern whether or not a person in my life was a true friend. It's sad to say that I just wasn't sure what I should look for in the relationship.
Early on, if there was a semblance of commitment and time spent with me, that was all I needed to believe I had a good friend. That is no longer the case.
Here are the things I look for now to determine if there is potential in a relationship and ultimately if a long-term relationship is genuine friendship:
1. Is there a general interest in me and my life? This may be demonstrated by asking me questions, calling/emailing/texting, making plans to spend time together and/or offering to pray for me about something I share (and following up). If none of these is present or if very infrequent, I consider the person an acquaintance. We're not friends and have no real potential to become friends. The only exception to this rule of thumb is if the other person is an old friend, our lives rarely cross paths now, yet we keep in touch. The extra effort to keep in touch once it becomes so difficult keeps that relationship in the friendship category.
2. Are we able to talk about important issues, concerns and feelings reciprocally? It's fairly easy for me to share with someone I consider a true friend. One day I realized that in certain relationships I was the only one sharing. That's how I've been burned in the past so many times. I'm learning who I can trust and who I can't. A significant mark of true friendship is whether or not I can open up about my life and know that it won't go anywhere. I'm that kind of friend, but I don't often find that quality in others. It is a shame, but women are typically pitiful gossips. (One little tip here: if you hear someone gossip about someone while with you, don't trust them. They'll gossip about you too.) When someone opens up with me and shares something on a personal level, I know there is potential. I've been trusted with that friend's heart. That's the level of sharing that could be damaging if shared with someone who might use it against them. In this time of life, I have several friends who share openly. I'm so blessed to be entrusted with the important things and I'm glad to trust them in return. Mutual vulnerability is necessary to establish the bonds of true friendship.
3. Are my interests valuable and important to her? Scripture charges us to look out not only for our own interests but also for the interests of others. If this is not evident in a relationship, there is no potential for true friendship. One significant measurement of this for me (though not the only one) is whether or not a friend prays faithfully for the most important issues in my life. For example, Matt and I have made known our desire to have children. I have a few friends who have prayed regularly that we would be blessed with children. Plenty of people know who could be praying; a few have prayed and followed up. This is a significant mark of true friendship. These people have nothing to gain for themselves by praying faithfully (except proving to be a faithful friend and seeing the prayers answered), but they are looking out for our interests in the midst of it.
4. Is she making any effort? Any sacrifices, so-to-speak. If the effort is almost entirely one-sided, I'm merely offering my friendship without any reciprocation. If I'm the only one to call, email, text, ask questions, if I'm always the one going to the other person's house, always meeting her on her turf, agreeing to her plans without her ever agreeing to mine, these are indications that the attention is appreciated and valued to some extent, but that genuine friendship is not being offered. The exception to this is when a friend has young children and I routinely offer to go to her house to simplify the environment for the children while we visit. Children usually do better in familiar places.
5. Is there spiritual encouragement? In Christian friendship, being able to talk about spiritual things and to encourage one another is crucial. If I am not being uplifted in the relationship (or am not lifting up the other person) on a spiritual level, it is not true friendship. While on staff at a seminary, I served for a while as Dean of Women, which made me co-chair of the student disciplinary committee. On more than one occasion I wondered how someone could be close friends with a person in gross immorality and not see the problems in that friend's character. Now, I understand. If you don't look for what should be there in a Christian friendship, you miss seeing what is not there. Don't be deceived, Christian brother and sister. There are many in our church who are not living right, no matter the appearance. How do you know when someone lacks character?...when you befriend someone and receive no spiritual encouragement through your interactions. We talk about what we love. If you don't hear yourself talk about the Lord, if you don't hear your friend talk about the Lord, love for Him is missing.
We all have limited resources when it comes to offering friendship. What I mean is that we only have so much time, yet we have a lot of responsibilities to attend to daily. What does that mean for our friendships? That means we'd better be as wise as possible with our choices of where to invest the little time we do have to build friendships. Ultimately, God makes the way for friendships He plans for us. We have to have the wisdom to identify what friendships He wants us to pursue.
As a very committed person, I used to have trouble letting go of relationships that were clearly not genuine friendships. I can definitely say I felt it, but I didn't know what to do once I felt the disconnect. Now, I know.
If you haven't yet, learn to be a friend. Learn how to choose a friend. Learn how to let go of relationships with no potential. Trust God with His plan for your relationships. Just as He has given them to me, He will give you true friends.
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