God With Us

On September 10, Matt and I found out we were expecting. On October 5, the doctor confirmed we'd lost our baby. He died at exactly 6 fetal weeks. As a dear friend, who knows from experience, said, "God doesn't promise the journey will be without pain, but He does promise to be there with us through it." 

In retrospect, we see God's fingerprints all over our situation. The pregnancy was ectopic, but because it was a very rare kind where the baby was in the abdomen, I didn't experience any pain; I didn't have to have surgery; I didn't lose any reproductive capability for the future. My body is recovering much more quickly than if I had any other kind of miscarriage. 

Another blessing is the way God answered one of my prayers. You see, when I was 20 years old, my sister became pregnant with her first child. I was SO excited that I went to the mall immediately to buy the first baby present to give her.

As I walked the isle looking at the girl clothes on the right and the boy clothes on the left, I thought to the Lord, "I wish You'd tell me whether she's going to have a boy or a girl so I could know what clothes to buy." Immediately after, the thought, "It's a boy." came to my mind and a certainty was in my heart that God had indeed answered. It was weeks before we'd find out, but indeed she was carrying and later had a boy. 

Remembering that, I asked God night after night to tell me what Matt and I would be having. I didn't want to wait for 20 weeks and I knew who already knew. I went to the source and asked. 

I expected Him to reveal the answer in the same distinct way He'd answered before. When He didn't, I thought to Him one night, "Well, I guess You're not going to tell me, so I guess I'll stop asking. For whatever reason, I guess you don't want to tell me." I went to sleep and shortly thereafter (I don't remember which night), I had a dream of a little boy.

He was about two years old and as cute and happy as could be. I remember him looking me in the eyes and smiling at me sweetly before hopping down to play. Even though I couldn't keep my eyes off of him, enjoying every minute of it, I stood almost frozen, I was so confused. Some of my family members were there with us, but not paying attention to either of us. As I looked at this little boy, I remember thinking with a puzzled look on my face, "I know he's a part of our family, but why don't I know him?" When I woke up I had a vivid memory of the dream, but didn't think too much of the details.

I remember walking down the stairs the next day and the day after thinking to myself, "Well, at least I know we'll be having a boy. Now, I just wonder if we'll have a girl too. Probably not or I would have dreamed of her too, but I hope so." You see, I'd been praying for twins, specifically a boy and a girl, by name. 

It was only about three or so days after that dream that we lost our baby. For a while, the significance of the dream didn't settle in on me, but now I know. The dream was God's gentle way of telling me the sex of the baby we'd never have a chance to raise. He is happy with the Lord; He is a part of our family, even though I don't know him. 

Now, I only wish I was a talented artist so I could draw the image of his face, because I remember it as if it was etched on my mind. It's funny because he didn't look distinctly like Matt or me. As I've imagined what our children will look like, I've pictured a little Matt or a little Kim and this little boy looked nothing like I had been picturing.  He did look a little like my Dad's Dad when he was a little boy, actually a lot like him as I strain to remember one picture I've seen a time or two in my adult life. 

For days after I reflected on the dream, I had a persistent desire to name our son. When I shared with one of my dear friends my desire to name him, she told me, "You should name him. I believe Jesus has already named him the name you will choose." I can't tell you how refreshing it is to my soul to have godly friends who know the heart of God.

Throughout Scripture it is clear a great deal of significance is given to a name. That's why names have always been so important to me. After talking with Matt about it, we decided to name our son.

I understand if you are skeptical about all of this, but speaking through dreams is one of God's ways of communicating with His children. I don't believe He speaks that way to give us any new revelations as He did in times past, before His word was completed. He speaks that way now for other reasons, usually in my experience out of His loving-kindness. Just remember that He is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). If He spoke through dreams then (and He did), then He still does. One day, we will know our son, in heaven.