Treasure Trove

A few months ago, a high school classmate and Facebook friend, mentioned a personal struggle of hers. She and her husband have been married and trying for a baby for several years. Believing it would happen easily, since it does for many women, she began preparing for that little one they hoped to bring into their family and home. Among other things, she had accumulated a stockpile of diapers.

Years later, after being thwarted in attempts to have a child by birth and after three years of waiting for a child by adoption to no avail, she dragged herself into her spare bedroom and pulled out of the closet every package of diapers she'd held onto all of those years. She shed many tears as she pulled out each one to give to a woman in need. She believed it was the right thing to do, that God was leading her to do it, but she didn't want to. She wanted to use those diapers for her baby, for hers and her husband's. 

I was and am so proud of her for taking that step in faith. It is so hard to let go of something we want so desperately. Letting go of those diapers was a physical representation of letting go a little in her heart. That act of letting go, even in a small measure, honors God tremendously.

When Matt and I learned we were expecting our baby, I went headlong into baby planning mode. Gathering books to read not just on parenting, but on pregnancy and delivery. Gathering information from a couple of close friends and my sister so I'd know what to register for when the time came. Researching children's books to see which ones have the best messages and are of the most interest to young children. Looking for which children's Bible we'd use with our little ones. And yes, accumulating diapers when the good sales hit stores.

When we lost our baby, one of the things that weighed heavily on me emotionally was whether or not to keep the diapers and few clothes I'd bought. My first impulse was to return it all before it was too late and we lost the money we invested in it. It was the practical, responsible thing to do, but I didn't want to.

It became clear that I didn't need to decide. I needed Matt as the leader of our family to decide this for me. Unfortunately, I didn't have the courage to ask him for a few days. He is very practical and reasonable. Since I thought the practical and reasonable thing to do was to return it all, I thought he'd tell me to take it all back. I wasn't emotionally ready to hear that.

When I finally thought I could handle his decision and act on it immediately, I asked him what to do. Let me just say, I crumpled in tears when Matt said, "Keep it all. We'll need it." A few simple words. They were so comforting to my soul. My faith was waning, but his held strong.

God is the One who will choose. He is the giver of life. We may or may not find our arms full one day. That is something I'm daily giving over to God. I'm letting go in my heart, little step by little step. 

If any of you wonder, Matt loves me well. He is such a blessing to me and though I already knew it, walking this road with him has been so good for my heart. 

Here's a glimpse of our little treasure trove: 

May God one day use it for His glory, for either our child or another.